Devil's backbone
by theraincanttouchus
Summary: During his first year on earth, Castiel tries to remind Dean about the connection they shared in Hell


Oh dear lord, this is my first Destiel fic, even though I've read 2000 fanfics give or take, of them, so here we go.

This was born by a post in tumblr about how Dean and Cas fell in love while in hell and the angel's been trying to remind. This is especially about that second part, how Castiel wants Dean to remember the bond they once shared.

The title's from the song "Devil's backbone" by the Civil wars, which I swear is one of the most Destiel songs I've ever heard seriously the lyrics are just... it's their story from Cas' POV

So here it is…

Dean Winchester's soul wasn't what Castiel had expected. He wasn't sure of what was he expecting, or if he was expecting anything at all, but, for the first time in millennia he was utterly surprised, baffled even. It shone bright and strong even though it was surrounded by the filth of damnation.

There were holes on it, and it was torn apart at some points, but the little spots of it that were intact were beautiful beyond words, no matter the language. They shone like fire, fighting its own darkness with a will the angel had never seen before, even though it was a lost fight.

To this day, Castiel isn't sure as to how did he manage to find the righteous man before his brothers and sisters, the only thing that matters is that he did. He remembers it clearly, how he'd felt like something was pulling him towards a certain direction, like a magnet pulling a metal to it, and before he knew it, he was in a place that looked like a dungeon, a gray-ish soul being tortured by Dean Winchester.

The man recoiled at his presence, blade raised and ready to fight. Castiel was too mesmerized by the beautifulness of his soul to take notice of the one in the rack. He carefully lifted his hand in an offering, Dean stepped back, the screams of the tortured soul being the only sound in the room. Castiel transported it to other place; back then he hadn't cared that much about the souls that were condemned.

"I'm Castiel and I'm here to save you" the angel said, even though he knew he could just force Dean's soul out of there, he just didn't want to.

Dean flinched at the sound of the angel's true voice, it was muffled by hell but still high enough to hurt, all he'd heard in ten years were the screams of his victims, who were all human souls and sounded nothing like the being he had in front. He hissed at the strange creature, raising his blade higher.

"I won't hurt you" the angel tried to speak lower this time.

"Stay away" Dean said withdrawing until his back hit the wall.

Castiel glanced around standing still, Dean watched him warily. The angel wasn't sure as to why he hadn't forced the man's soul out of Hell, he just wanted Dean to trust him; he wanted the process to be as non-painful as possible. They stayed like that for an undeterminable amount of time.

"What are you?" Dean asked, the grip on the blade growing tighter.

"I'm an angel of the lord" said Castiel, voice devoid of emotions, as if he were talking about the weather.

A monstrous laugh escaped his lips "Yeah, I don't think so, angels don't exist"

The angel frowned "How can you believe in Hell but not heaven?"

Dean rolled his eyes, this was a waste of time "Look, I don't care who or what you are, just leave me alone" he glanced around the cell "and bring my victim back, I wasn't finished with it"

"I can't do that"

He shrugged "Alastair will be here soon, I suggest you to leave before he comes in"

"Dean" the name fell from his lips like a pray "we have to leave"

"No one can escape from Hell" he said organizing his weapons.

Castiel stood, wrapping his hand around Dean's arm "I can"

The hunter yanked his arm free, stepping back. Another silence fell above them, Castiel allowed it, he needed Dean to trust him, but the barrier he'd put around them was quickly weakening and he could hear his brothers crying out, being torn apart, he just wanted to tell them that he'd found the righteous man, so they all could leave that filthy place, but if he did so they'd force Dean's soul out, traumatizing it, he didn't want that, so he waited.

"You're bleeding" Dean frowned at the blood on the floor, the angel's eyes went to the pool of blood surrounding him, carelessly realizing it was his.

"My wings are being injured by the energy in here" he looked at his form, he wouldn't last long "so is my grace, if this continues I will die soon" he said emotionless.

"Is this your way of blackmailing me? Cus it's not going to work" he moved the blade on his hand, getting a better grip "actually now that I know you bleed, I know you can die and if you can die that means I can kill you" he smirked, the black parts of his soul growing bigger.

Castiel stood at his full length, not giving signals of having intentions of drawing his angel blade "Dean, we don't have time"

"Yeah, you're right about that" he threw himself against Castiel, blade raised; the angel dodged it, not as easily as he would've liked it, but he still managed to avoid most of Dean's blows "C'mon, it isn't fun if you don't fight back" he said pinning Castiel against the wall.

"I'm not going to hurt you; I'm here to save you"

"A shame that I can't say the same" he pressed himself closer to the creature pinned between him and the wall.

"I'll retrieve you up, I can do it" he eyed the blade that was dangerously close to him "This isn't you"

"How would you know?" he pressed himself harder "you know nothing about me"

"I know why you're here, and I know you used to save people, I know you're a good man, a righteous man" Castiel locked his eyes with Dean's trying to make him understand.

"Righteous man? Righteous Man?! I'm a torturer, how could someone like me be what you said?!" he picked Castiel, slamming him against the wall before pinning him again "Why do I deserve to be saved?!"

Castiel tilted his head, squinting his eyes, he could hear the bitterness on his voice "You still care" he said softly "that's what makes you worthy" Dean hit him with his fist but kept the blade away from him, the blow hurt more than the angel expected, the place was clearly starting to affect him, it didn't truly damaged him so he ignored it.

"I'm not worthy, and you're not an angel"

"But you are, and I'm here to raise you from perdition" How could such a beautiful soul think so little of himself?

Dean stiffened before a new sound came from his throat. It was laughter, he was laughing, it startled Cas because this time it wasn't bitter or angry, it was a pure laugh, as pure as you could get in hell, but it was progress "Perdition? Dude, it's fucking hell" he backed up about enough to give Castiel some space, it wasn't more than a step but now he wasn't pressed against the wall anymore.

"I'm not leaving" Dean said without moving "but you should, before I change my mind, that is"

"I won't leave here without you" he said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world, and for him it was.

"Why?"

"I have orders to do so"

"Still with the whole angel thing, huh?" he took another step back "in that case, stay until you die, lets see where you go from here"

He frowned, why were humans so confusing? "Angels go to nowhere when we die, we just stop existing"

"Well, it's better than this I bet"

"I suppose" the following silence was quickly interrupted by the screams of the angels who were getting nearer.

"What the fuck was that?" he looked at Castiel "that wasn't a soul screaming"

"It was one of my siblings"

"Your siblings? There are more like you"

"Yes, we came to save you" he could feel his brothers being slaughtered, it only mattering because it meant that they had even less time than he originally thought "and we should leave before they get here"

"What? Why? I thought you said they were with you" he said gripping the blade with more force, mistrust slowly creeping up to him.

"They are, but if they find you they will drag you out of hell, regardless of your state or desire"

Dean was quiet for another moment eyes going to his blade before locking them with the angel's again "They can do that?"

"Yes"

"Which means you can do that"

Castiel averted his eyes "Yes"

"Why didn't you?"

"It would only worsen up the state of your soul" he said matter of factly, gripping the wall to steady himself, his grace starting to give, no longer capable of healing his wings.

Dean stepped closer, looking baffled "Wait, so all this time, you've been getting yourself hurt just because you didn't want to damage me?"

"That would be… accurate"

"Are you still able of getting us out of here?" he asked studying his state.

"Yes, and I'll be able of healing you when we're up"

"You still have that among of juice?" his eyebrows shot up, completely taken by surprise by that.

Castiel cocked his head, frowning "My powers will be restored the moment I get out of... Hell" he didn't know why he wanted to follow Dean's lead regarding his speech but he wanted to do it.

"Fine, I'll humor you, lead the way, Cas" he said shaking his head. Castiel's frown deepened at the mention of the nickname, but he didn't comment on it, they had no time.

He called his brothers and sisters, telling them that he'd found the righteous man, and they left, the entrance wasn't near and he couldn't teleport them there neither his siblings could, so they cleared the path and he led Dean.

"Cas, you sure you know where we're going?" he said after a while.

"We're near the exit Dean" Cas said, voice restrained.

"Ok, dude, stop" Dean tugged at his arm, letting it go as soon as he got the angel's attention "what aren't you telling me?"

Castiel averted his eyes but Dean followed his gaze "The next part won't be pleasant"

"Hell isn't pleasant"

The angel looked into his eyes, continuing when he didn't find a trace of mistrust in them "We'll have to remake your body, and we're not sure if your soul will be able to… survive up in the earth"

"So you're gonna piece me back together?" the memories of his first thirty years in hell flowed through his mind, he was brought back by Castiel's hand on his shoulder.

"Yes, and we'll have to go through your memories" he said letting his hand fall, the warm of Dean's skin still lingering on it.

"Hell no, I'm not letting those guys play puzzle with my mind" he leaned back, putting distance between them without actually stepping back.

"I could do it"

Dean stayed silent for a while, sighing "Fine, just you, I don't want anyone else fooling around with my head" Castiel did that thing with his head again and, truth being told, it was growing up on Dean.

"We may also need to put some grace in you" he added carefully, not wanting to scare the hunter but not wanting to lie to him either.

The righteous man shook his head, a bitter smile on his face "That's not gonna happen" there was no way in… well hell in which he'd allow a supernatural creature to put something inside him.

He could hear his brothers hurrying him but he needed Dean's consent "It could also be only me"

"You can do all that?" it started to down on him how powerful this being was. Amazingly, he wasn't afraid.

"Maybe but I may need time to restore my power. I won't be there with you when you wake up"

"I'll find you" it was said as a statement, a promise.

"I'll lead you to me" the voices grew louder "now we must hurry up"

With that they got out of hell, Castiel's siblings taking care of the demons. Before the lights blacking out Dean could hear Alastair's voice calling him. He didn't look back.

As promised, Castiel healed Dean's soul, going through a life he already knew, but from a different perspective, this time he could feel everything Dean did, the hurt, the pain, the sadness, the trauma, however there was something else, he could also feel the love he had for his family, the happiness he felt in rare occasions, special occasions, the righteousness. And he found himself becoming fond of that human, that limited existence that should be nothing more than a spot in the vastness of the universe, but it became more to him, so much more. And now that soul had a part of him too, and he'd been "tainted", according to his siblings words, by a part of Dean too, Castiel told them he just did it to heal faster, but he didn't use it all, because it felt good to have it inside him.

As an angel, he'd never understood the concept of selfishness there was only God's word to serve, there were duty and orders, but right there and then he felt selfish, he wanted Dean to remember him, to keep the parts of hell where they'd been together, since he'd altered some of them so his mind could bear it without breaking completely; but Michael said he couldn't, that it would be better for him not to remember how he got out of hell. Castiel wanted to argue with his brother, but he was an archangel, the most powerful of them all, and Castiel was a mere seraphim, so he kept quiet; he couldn't, however, stop himself from leaving a mark on the human, it was just a scar caused by the grace he used to piece him together, he told Michael and his superiors; they didn't question it, why else would the angel leave a mark on him?

Castiel wasn't there when Dean woke up, he was healing himself, too weak to go to the place the hunter's was, but he could still call him, hoping that he'd understand his true voice, upset that he couldn't. He tried again, it didn't work. That's when he learned what disappointment felt like.

It wasn't until hours after; that should've been a mere blink for him, but felt like another eternity, that Dean called him. Castiel was completely healed now and he entered through the gates of the barn, he hadn't meant to explode all the bulbs in there, but it was his first time in a vessel and he still wasn't used to it.

He told Dean who he was, part of him expecting the hunter to remember him, the angel even used the word 'perdition'; hoping he'd pick on it tell him that it was 'fucking hell', the hunter didn't even stop to think about the word, he just stabbed the angel with a knife made to kill demons, it could do no harm to him but it was good to see that his will of fighting was intact.

He started thinking of new ways to will him to remember, Castiel knew that was not his task, but he wanted to. He told Dean his name wishing he'd remember it, call him 'Cas', because even though the name should offend him, he was rather fond of it.

There were things that were still the same: Dean didn't believe in angels, he had no faith, his sense of humor was intact just as his low, almost non-existent self esteem, he still didn't think he deserved to be saved which was still confusing to Castiel, because, after experimenting all his life, the angel couldn't think of a single soul in the universe who deserved as much as Dean's did.

The angel stood as close as he could, remembering the closeness they'd shared during their meeting in Hell. When this didn't work he decided to stick to the plan, tell Dean they had work for him and that he'd been rescued under God's orders.

Since that meeting he tried multiple times, but every time was too subtle and the hunter didn't give any indications of remembering him so Castiel decided to quit. He still stood as close as he could; it wasn't even intentional he just was attracted to the hunter, as if he were a magnet and Castiel a piece of metal. There were also times when he felt like Dean could do it, that he could remember, it was mostly after the hunter woke up from nightmares of hell, and Castiel was always there to calm him down, even when Dean couldn't see him.

But then, a spark of hope was born within him, for Dean Winchester called him Cas, he called him Cas again and the angel couldn't care less about what Uriel opined. Yes he knew it was disrespectful, especially since the part Dean was erasing was the one that meant he belonged to God, but it didn't matter, Dean called him Cas, and that was why he chose to trust him with a secret that could kill him, that was why he decided to tell him that he hoped Dean wouldn't choose to kill all those humans. Because, even though Dean couldn't remember him, the connection they've shared in hell was still there.

Anna was right, Castiel wasn't familiar with emotions, he knew the concept but he didn't know what they felt like, that was until he had to force Dean to interrogate -torture -Alastair, until Alastair almost killed Dean and he couldn't do anything to help him. He felt angry at the Host, he felt disappointed of himself, he felt sorry for the pain he'd caused Dean, and he hurt because Dean hurt.

He couldn't keep taking and taking from this broken man that didn't even have anything left to give, but those were his orders.

Nevertheless, the angel tried to give, when Dean asked him for help with Lilith, the angel told him how to keep her away from Sam, and when Castiel discovered what were heaven's plans for the brothers, he'd tried to tell him, where 'tried' is the key word. He ended up being re-educated, handing in Anna, and not telling Dean the information he needed to know on top of it all.

During the preamble of the apocalypse, there was something he was ordered to do, and out of everything Castiel had done, that's the one thing that still haunts him, perhaps more so because he hasn't told anyone, that thing being freeing Sam from Bobby's panic room. He told himself he had no other choice, that he was doing the right thing by following the plan… 'bullshit' he's sure would be Dean's retort if he ever tells him that. But he did, he opened the door and played a big part in the beginning of the apocalypse. Maybe it was all that guilt, knowing he'd hurt his hunter so badly, what made him rebel, maybe it was just that Dean was the one who was asking him to. And maybe, just maybe, dying would redeem him from all the wrongs he'd done.

But he didn't stay dead, and perhaps it was because his father still had work for him, but he felt happy, in the sea of despair, and hopelessness that caused disconnecting himself from heaven, he felt happy that he could be with Dean a little longer, that he could still help him.

If Castiel was honest with himself, he went to Dean not only because he needed help trapping Raphael, but also because he felt like his efforts were in vain, he couldn't find God, he was losing faith in everything he'd once believed, but being with Dean, hearing him laugh because of him, it revived his will, his faith.

That experience also did other things to him and he stopped trying to remind Dean of their time in hell, deciding that, even if that time was very significant for him, that the reborn of Dean Winchester signified his own reborn, it didn't matter anymore, for they would create new and better memories in the future, for their bond was stronger than before. And he smiled at that; knowing that this time, those memories would be cherished by the two of them, not only him.

So what do you think? Too cheesy? too OOC?

Well let me know n_n

Btw as all my other fics this one's on my tumblr in case it seems familiar n_n

Thanks for reading, Love you!


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